Ok, I know, this blog is turning into my ED/Recovery blog haha. That wasn't my intention in the beginning but I guess a big part of my taste in music and movies as well as non-academic thoughts is based on ED/Recovery.
I had a calling today.
I went to bed around 5 am, after binging all night on oreo cookies and coffee. I felt so horrible that I had to punish myself for it.
Then this morning, I jumped out of my bed telling myself, "ok, I need to go for a run." I never run. After my last recovery, I actually don't do any high-impact workouts, because I'm afraid I'll get addicted or obsessed again. But I had to go, something was telling me to go.
I went to the park; ran for about 6 miles. I can't stop running once I start haha.
But I had an epiphany. At first, I just walked for a bit to get my heart pumping. Then I looked up, and saw the bluest sky I've ever seen. The tallest palm trees, the tiniest, cutest birds chirping. The lake, the children laughing and playing by the lake, old couples taking a walk hand in hand. Everything looked so peaceful and perfect.
And there I was.
Hurt, injured, and guilty. Sinful.
This whole thing I'm seeing, was a gift from the Above. Yes, it's a human-made park. But hey, it is HIM who made it possible for humans to make a park like this. He provided the weather, the water, and all the small miracles that were happening at the park, at that moment when I was there.
So then, I felt like a part of that miracle too.
Yes, I know, kinda corny, kind of freakishly unlike-Jean (Cuz I'm cool hehe).
But for a very long time, I had to feel like I had to choose between my obsession and my health. I wanted to live a healthy, happy life but then I was so deeply in my own misery that I almost felt attracted to my illness.
And that's why, I think, living a year for me meant that I go through phases, where I'll feel happy and then crash again. Every few months, I'd repeat the vicious cycle over and over again.
But as my leg muscles started burning and my pelvic bones started hurting, I had an epiphany.
I filled my lungs with new miracles today.
I can't change myself this or that way; I'm not a switch.
But it should be one thing at a time.
One step at a time.
One thomp at a time.
One breath at a time.
One sweat drop at a time.
One good day at a time.
One day at a time.
And one miracle at a time.
It's my new project for the summer.
I'm going to go run everyday, and soak myself in His miracle.
I'm going to take the day, one at a time,
some days, I'll crash, yes, I'm sure.
But I'm going to focus on the good in my life.
Because, I want to accomplish a lot of things with my life,
and slowing killing myself, depriving myself, hating myself
will not get me very far.
I want to live to be at least 80, and still be able to take a walk around the park like those old couples today.
I want to be able to at least think straight and focus when I get older.
I want to help women and men who suffer through the same struggle and survive it everyday, one day at a time.
And yes, to do this, I need to focus on those small miracles in my life.
The fact that I was able to survive through the darkest night, lying on my cold bathroom floor.
I should remember what I felt when I opened my eyes that afternoon, how confused and thankful I was at the same time.
One Miracle at a time,
through Him, with Him, and in Him.