Does anyone feel this way?
My last recovery lasted about a year. It was in Georgia when I lived with my parents at home. And all this time, I thought that my recovery was somewhat successful because of the comfort of home. But then, I heard this interview about bipolar disorder on the radio today. The interviewee said that people with mental illness should stay away from alcohol generally because alcohol makes them more sensitive.
And no, although I do not have bipolar disorder, I think that theory works for me too. When I lived with my parents, I didn't have any opportunity to go out and drink. I was working at the law firm from 8-5 and going to school at night. Neither of my parents drinks so there was no alcohol around. I was also determined to get better so I went through a home-remedy detox regimen and quit drinking.
It was only when law school started that I started drinking again and then that's also when I began buying diet pills again. This past Spring Break, I went out drinking a lot and that's when my ED symptoms got more severe... Alcohol somehow triggers my obsession with calorie counting and restricting, I guess.
I feel so conflicted though. I was at church today, praying.. And it just occurred to me, "I don't want to live like this forever." Yes, I still have a very distorted self body image issue, and my "ideal body shape" is probably your nightmare or definition of "sick," when I really think about it, I don't want to keep this up forever. Someday, I hope to be wholly healthy and wholly happy.
One more reason to quit drinking and maintain this.
And I guess, I found a ray of hope because I found myself wanting to be healthy again, at least it's in me somewhere.