Wow.. this is the last month of my life as a 23-year-old. It's a scary thing to notice that you have not chnged at all in the past 7 years...
One thing I do is keeping a diary. No, not a blog. I only update blogs sometimes. I mostly write in my diary. This is my 31st book.
As I was looking for the MPRE outline to give to a friend, I came across my old diaries. Oh yeah, I remember bringing them here from Atlanta.
One from 2001-2002 (jr & sr year in high school), and another one from 2002-2004 (college).
"Yeah, I guess I did creat this perfect fantasy about him.. Expected too much from him. I thought that throwing away these expectations would be easy. Boy, was I wrong. I still held on to the fantasy. What can I say? He's only human and I will never get an A+, right?" - April 30, 2001.
"All I want from a guy, is care and respect...who loves me unconditionally" - May 16, 2001.
"10 Commandments: 1) I won't let guys control my life. 2) I'm going to eat healthy, lots of beans & vegetables. Taking care of myself is the first thing I should learn... 10) Ignore things that make me unhappy. I don't have to get upset about someone if I just ignore him or her" - July 20, 2001
"I just can't trust myself anymore. Cannot believe this. I like **** now? You know, maybe I died young or unmarried in the previous life. Why is it so easy to fall for... love?" - December 19, 2001
"I know I don't wanna get married, ever. But I just want to truly love someone. And be loved without a doubt. Someone pure and naively passionate, who can see the real me inside no matter how hard I judge myself, who can protect my heart, which tends to lie and pretned to be strong often. Ah... I pray for the day like that to come.. Someday.. " - December 25, 2001.
Oh and I apparently still had the same problems--Thinking I have mental/personality disorders, getting over memories of past physical and psychological abuses...and hating math classes..
"Life is what you make the most out of. Not everyone is gven the same amount of time to accomplish something great. But it doesn't matter because it's what you DO with whatever you have, not how much time you have" - August 28, 2002.
How is it that I forget the most basic philosophy in life, what I've already said and done? I have 31 diaries. But last 5 books sound repetivie. It's funny; each time, I gush about this "epiphany" i had. Each time, I vowed to love myself and not let memories take over and haunt the present.
How absurdly disappointing? I'm still that 16-year-old girl, tryig to find love, trying to get over the stupid disease, loving and hating life. SEVEN years have passed, and here I am, thinking ohhh, Jean's all grown up.
The truth is that the things I wanted to change are still the things I want to change. Sure, I made little improvements here and there. Did more damages and learned from them as well.
But I am, still, on the qust for a solution, an answer to my life.
I'm both terrified and indifferent about becoming 24. Indifferent because it's just another birthday. And terrified because...well, because I'm gonna be older. Great, now I have to be wise, AND start anti-aging regimen. Awesome. Eye creams, here I come. I'm only half joking.
The difference etween me in 2001 and now is that I had those chances. I had a beautiful boyfriend (the ****, in December of 2001), who loved me unconditionally, cared, and respected me. Someone who wrote me poems and long letters. Brought me flowers to say sorry. Used to eat what I make for him, as if it was the best thing he's ever tasted in his life. and fall asleep watching our favorite show, listening to our favorite song...
I had a chance at love...until I broke it up because he was no longer the person I fell in love with.
I had numerous chances to get better, yet here I am, still battling and listening to inner voices.
I have little less than one month of the 23rd year of my life. And I really hope, I won't look back to this day and get mortified by the fact that I'm still that 16-year-old girl, trapped in 30-year-old's body.
Ugh... sometimes I wish I could be in that "13 Going On 30" movie, and just fast forward to year 2020. 35? Wait, 34..... No, I was right, 35.
Yeah, I still hate math.